Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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