Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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