She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
