we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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