At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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