life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to have your abortion
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
