Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
