You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She's the barista slut.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
