First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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