She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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