I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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