She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
