so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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