everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize