she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
