Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
did you just send me my own nude
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
