I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
