There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
