Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Randomize
