Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
