There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
