Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
