I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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