do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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