i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
