i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
