his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
