am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
