med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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