I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
