I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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