Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
