Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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