We're facebook friends in real life
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
