so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
