Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
