If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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