If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize