i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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