fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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