We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
