she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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