i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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