Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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