Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
