so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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