I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Randomize
