you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
