She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
