I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
