My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
