Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
