walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
