they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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