I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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