he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize