Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
