I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
