I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
BRING THE BAGELS
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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