y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
